Married celebrities face a number of stress – Teco Benson

Veteran Nollywood filmmaker and actor, Teco Benson, speaks to VICTORIA EDEME on the controversies, divorce, and infidelity allegations that mar celebrity marriages

As a celebrity, how did you determine it was the right time to start a family when you did?

Right from my secondary school days, I gave myself a target that I wanted to get married at the age of 30. Before I got to 30, marriage was not on my list at all because I already had a plan to get that done at 30. The moment I got to 30, I activated the search button. During my search, I reflected and remembered that when I was younger, I encountered someone whom my spirit said I’d get married to. So I flashed back to those moments and remembered the person. She was in the East then, because I lived there before I came to Lagos. I then made a move, travelled to the East, and began the search. Searching and getting her was another journey. The summary is that we got to meet and the rest is history. We’ve been married for 23 years now.

How would you describe the 23 years of your marriage?

It’s been beautiful.

How many children do you have?

I have five boys and just last month, we welcomed our first daughter. I have six children now.

How long have you been in the Nollywood industry?

I’ve been in the industry for 30 years.

Did you at any point feel that your marriage would interfere with your career?

I planned my life from the beginning. When I was going into marriage, I did a lot of research and saw a lot of frustration and conflicts that people encounter in marriage. I went in consciously and carefully, with a decision to make mine work. There are ups and downs and misunderstandings, but people who are not strong-willed may fall by the way, give up, and start trying alternatives. After trying those alternatives, they may discover that the same situation may play out again. That’s why you see that some may divorce 10 times and remarry 10 times. With wisdom and information, you can make yours work. It is for better or worse. I was already in the industry and when I wanted to settle down, I didn’t marry someone in the industry. Everybody has the templates that work for them, but I didn’t want to marry someone in the industry.

Why didn’t you want to marry someone in the entertainment industry?

It was my choice. Being in the industry has a lot of distractions. I was a renowned producer and director at the time I got married and didn’t have time to rest. After filming, sometimes I would sleep in my office. I have a studio for shooting and editing. Because of timelines and deadlines, I keep late nights. Sometimes, I work all through the night. I had a policy of supervising my work during post-production. I went through my work even though I had an editor. So the work kept me away from home. Getting a wife who will also be away from home may have a negative impact on the family. Marriage is about creating an institution where the children are also part of the family.  When considering the interest of your wife, you have to also plan for the children that are going to come out of the union.

You need to take care of them and train them to become someone in society. These are some of the things I thought about and decided to go for someone who is not in the industry. I’m happy I made that decision. It’s not that I don’t encourage people to marry in the industry. Some are in it and are thriving. Some have found their way around it and it’s working for them. But for me, what made me happy was the fact that I found someone who wasn’t even interested in the industry at all. We got married at a time when almost every woman was crazy about acting and I got someone who was not interested. I’m so glad I got what I wanted. My wife is into business.

What are your thoughts on celebrities who marry fellow celebrities?

It’s their choice. It works for some while others may fail because of the clash of interests. Both the husband and the wife are in the field and the family suffers. There could also be mistrust and scandals when you’re in the public eye. As a celebrity, the media reports our activities. So one of the parties may make a wrong move and it becomes reported. As a popular person, people may walk through a path and go free but when you do, everybody knows that it’s you. Once you’re a celebrity, you must be careful with your life because society is looking at you as a role model. As human beings, nobody is infallible and people are bound to make mistakes. Any small mistake you make can easily be detected and reported to your partner and that may spell doom to that union.

I’m not saying that people should stay away from such unions. Some people are there and are happy. One of my mentees married an actress and they have a wonderful marriage. They have ups and downs but still rise together. The marriage is working for them and they are happy. So it depends on the individuals and their choices. As for me, I’ve made mine. Sometimes, it’s not wonderful to get married to someone from your industry. It’s always beautiful to have someone from another industry so that you respect each other for what you are.

How do you perceive the impact of the entertainment industry’s lifestyle on marriages?

Celebrity lifestyle puts the marriage in the eye of the public and the stakes become very high. As a celebrity, you can’t afford to take the back seat because everybody expects you to be high up there. So it puts you under pressure because they are trying to meet societal expectations. Your children or family are not safe. In school, once your children introduce themselves, their names stand out. Aside from the advantages, there are also disadvantages. It’s just for the person in the eye of the storm to be conscious of all these and live a very careful life. To some extent, it’s even good because it keeps them on their toes, knowing that people are watching.

A person who does not have the searchlight beamed on them might be very careless. Most people in the entertainment industry are very careful with their lives. They work hard because they can’t afford to live below the threshold. They have to send their children to befitting schools and make sure they maintain their vehicles. Their vehicles cannot be rickety, so they have to work hard to put up with their celebrity status. These are pressures that take a strong person to navigate.

What are your thoughts on divorce, infidelity, and controversies surrounding childbirth outside wedlock common among celebrities?

Fame has its negative sides. Celebrity status comes with a lot of things. The society also creates problems. A lot of male celebrities with multiple baby mamas are sometimes put in trouble by women and female fans, who are sometimes carried away when they see these male celebrities. Some of these women throw themselves at the male celebrities and some of the celebrities fall for them because they are humans. Some celebrities live the kind of lives they live not by choice, but by circumstances. I was in London in 2003 to receive an award with my co-celebrities. I remember that one of the stars went into the restroom to ease himself and one female fan rushed into the male toilet, hugged him there, and wanted to have a quickie.

For a man who cannot control himself, the pressure comes; the man may just fall and we may hear that the girl becomes pregnant. Later, it will be reported that the actor now has a child in London. It’s not always the celebrities going after these people. Some of them also used their celebrity status to take up everything that comes around them. These situations relate to men, so we can now imagine how it will be for female celebrities. The females are also faced with lots of pressure. Some men may come in and offer them duplexes, big cars, and millions of dollars to woo the ladies. So it takes a very strong person to stand and not fall into these traps. Sometimes, we may blame celebrities but when you look deeply, you see that fame comes with a lot of pressure and celebrities need to be very strong to survive in the entertainment sector.

Many believe it is difficult for celebrities to keep stable homes without drama. How true is this?

Celebrities can keep stable homes. We have a lot of responsible people in the industry. We have men and women who are faithful in the entertainment space. In nature, there are individual differences. Some people are weaker than the others. When faced with temptations, some people fall and others stand their ground. Celebrities can maintain stable homes. As a celebrity, you must have God, because without God, you cannot survive it. The lifestyle requires God for you to maintain a good family and decent living. It is not something you can do on your own because the pressure is too much that as a mere mortal, you may not survive it. So it’s possible to maintain a good home. It’s your choice. Understanding and godliness are important. Conscience guides you and makes a man or woman in the industry survive and keep a home. Any wrong move could be seen, reported, and become a scandal.

Aside from destroying your name, it could also destroy your children or affect them negatively. Nobody wants a broken home or goes into marriage with the intent of divorce, but we see marriages that crash after months. People should be prepared before they go into marriage. They shouldn’t just look at the aesthetics, beauty, and fun that come with the wedding. There is much more than that. If you want to get married, you must look at the intricacies. If you’re a man, you should know that women are the weaker vessels.

There may be misunderstandings and you may encounter some issues that may not be the way you want, but you should be able to bend and understand that you can’t get your way all the time. Marriage is give and take because it involves two people coming from different backgrounds. No matter how superior you think your own opinion is, you have to come down to the level of your partner so that you can reason together. Your partner may be wrong, but because you want peace, you may just let it slide.

What are your thoughts on celebrities who drag themselves on social media during divorce?

That’s the biggest mistake divorcees make. Negative news sells and once those things happen, the media will always come for them. Most divorces are due to irreconcilable differences and both parties claim to be right. Each party wants to rush out there to present their positions so that they can be seen as the good person and their spouse as the demon. That’s the reason for the rush to go to the media. Even if you catch the woman in infidelity, she will leave the infidelity and rush to escalate domestic violence online. Meanwhile, she was caught red-handed in infidelity. If she keeps quiet and the whole world hears the other side, it will affect her negatively and she may never even settle down with another person again as men may now feel that she is not the type that can be married.

In marriage, two people become lovers, but in divorce, they become enemies. When they become enemies at the inception of the divorce, they forget that they will still be relevant in each other’s lives because they will still have to meet each other if they have children. They will have to keep up that good image because of their children. Even if the children are in the custody of the woman, the law will still permit the father to have time with the children and vice versa. So the best thing for couples is to resist the initial temptation. Divorce should call for sober reflection and quietness. The couple should go back to their shell to reflect and think. They shouldn’t be in a hurry to destroy each other online because those words cannot be taken back, especially when they have been used in the paper or carried by the media. Those words will be there forever to haunt the children.

Sometimes, after exchanging those words, they may still resolve and remarry themselves, but those words still linger. Sometimes, some people may have the feeling to come back, but when they remember what they have said to each other, they stay back. The truth is that God likes marriage and he established the institution. But in the new world now, it seems like divorce is becoming more fashionable and there are broken homes and broken children all over the place. As civilisation is increasing, the rate of divorce is also increasing. In summary, couples during divorce should refrain from such negative comments against each other because those differences can be taken care of and you may want to come back to each other.