How aging parents of japa Nigerians battle loneliness, anxiety

Travelling abroad for a more convenient lifestyle has become a common practice among middle- and high-income earners in Nigeria, but the practice, while good, could be leaving risky mental marks on aged parents whose children are overseas, writes BABATUNDE TITILOLA

As he dumped his fragile body on the couch in his large sitting room which now feels empty, Dr Olubunmi Sanyaolu sighed heavily with waves of worry spreading across his face.

It has been three days since the 77-year-old last spoke with his son, Bunmi, not because he did not want to, but because a child living 6,600 miles away and in different a time zone can be hard to reach sometimes. This is aside from the sky-high international call charges.

After several attempts to hear from the 27-year-old proved futile, the old man became restless. His mind wandered miles back and forth as though it was searching for a lost treasure.

He mumbled. The days have not been the same since his beloved son, named after him, left for London in September 2023.

“Watching Bunmi grow up is a source of joy for me,” he told Sunday According.

“He has older sisters but I gave him my name because he is my first son. He was running my business after he completed his national youth service but I wanted him to see the other side of the world.

“He did not mount pressure on me to let him leave. When he was younger, he did not have any plans to travel out.

“But lately, he found himself preparing for it. Although he has the resources to stay here in Nigeria, it had been boring, so I felt like I should let him go,” he said.

Sanyaolu told our correspondent that he felt Bunmi would do better abroad despite the consequent feeling of missing his first son.

“The economy is not that good. Kids like him have ideas, so when they are done with school and get out there, they get disappointed.

“I try to speak with him very regularly, a minimum of four times a week. I miss him. He had always been independent and on his own in Lagos before traveling. I miss him but we speak regularly so I don’t miss him too much. Very soon, I will visit him,” he added.

A widow’s tale

It has been weeks since Soka, a community in the capital city of Ibadan, Oyo State, was thrown into mourning when relatives, friends, and well-wishers of the family of Pa Oye trooped in to bid the deceased patriarch farewell as he embarked on the journey to the afterlife.

The final rites, Sunday According gathered, were done with everyone present except two sons of the deceased.

There must have been a reason.

While gathering information about the children of the deceased, a chilling story was unravelled.

76-year-old Pa Oye had five children: three boys and two girls. At the time of his passing, only the youngest daughter and a maid were with him.

Upon his demise, relatives came from far and near to do two things – bury the deceased and divide his properties.

The two eldest sons, our correspondent learnt, were out of the country at the time the relatives moved to share the bounty. This caused even greater grief for the widow, Mama Oye, as her husband’s hard-earned property was being feasted on by relatives.

A resident who identified only as Bose told Sunday According that the woman was helpless in her fight to protect the property.

This, Bose said, made her cry the more.

“Those who can see her say she always talks about her sons who are working abroad. She is always talking to them on the phone but they have not come home,” Bose noted.

Our correspondent could not gain an audience with Mama Oye as it was learnt that the old widow would not see anyone or talk to strangers except close families for one year as their tradition demanded.

However, a middle-aged who identified as a relative of the widow from Sapele, Delta State, said during a phone interview that the sons would return home soon as “they have been able to gather the money for travel”.

The relative, however, refused to further comment on the locations of the sons and other inquiries made by our correspondent.

Everyone thought the death of Pa Oye and the absence of the two eldest sons to take charge of the family and protect their inheritance were enough to keep the widow in a state of deep sorrow.

They were right

According to Migrants & Refugees, an organisation monitoring migration trends, Nigeria faces problems of brain drain, as youths abandon their families in search of a better life in other countries.

The group’s profile on Nigeria read in part, “An Afrobarometer poll from 2018 found that one in three Nigerians wanted to move outside the country, especially younger and more educated males.

“They mainly search for employment opportunities within or outside the continent (some of them would like to move to the Middle East and the USA, and others to go to Europe, America, and Asia).

“The main push factors for Nigerian emigration are the socio-economic conditions in the country, coupled with unemployment rates. Fity-one per cent of Nigerian migrants have tertiary education. Of the 72,000 doctors registered with the Medical and Dental Council of Nigeria, more than half practice outside the country.”

Like Mama Oye like Oluwadamilare

Sixty-year-old Oluwadamilare tried as much as she could to hide her emotions as she spoke to Sunday According about her son who left the country four years ago.

For a mother who had lived all her life with her son, the past four years have been a constant battle with her mind and the reality that her son is over 6,000 miles away.

Oluwadamilare, who initially declined to speak on her son’s relocation eventually told our correspondent that her fondness for her 22- year-old son made it difficult to live an hour without thinking about him.

“It is really hard,” she said.

“I only cope without him here with me by making sure I video-call him as often as I can. It is not easy at all because I have been together with my son for many years and we were already fond of each other.

“But since he left, I miss him a lot and hope to see my son very soon.”

Disturbing as it is, Mama Oye and Mrs Oluwadamilare’s experiences are only a fraction of the emotional stress many Nigerian parents go through immediately after their children leave the country.

Due to the reality that their children are thousands of miles away in strange lands with no parental support, many parents experience lifestyle changes occasioned by the absence of their beloved children.

Sunday According learnt that not only parents experience feelings of loneliness and longing for their children abroad. Youths who are far away from the warmth of their parents go through similar experiences or even worse as they are exposed to new cultures and an uncertain future.

From Oyo to Bahrain

The pressure of leaving Nigeria at 19 to play football in the Kingdom of Bahrain, a Middle East island country situated in the Persian Gulf between Saudi Arabia and Qatar, was heavy on Joshua Abiola who told Sunday According that he not only missed home but also his community in Oyo State.

Abiola, who is now 22, said, “When I was about to leave, my parents were happy and sad at the same time. They were happy because it was good news for everyone and it (football) is what I love doing. But they were also sad because they were going to miss me.

“I was going to miss them too. But I had to leave everything, including my education, just to pursue my career. I really miss home, my parents, friends, and relatives. I miss my community in Oyo.”

Soon after the COVID-19 lockdown was lifted in 2021, Abiola knew he had to leave the country for greener pastures. He was well aware of the popular saying that ‘the grass isn’t greener on the other side but greener where you water it,’ but he knew staying back in Nigeria would reduce the opportunities his career choice offered.

He grew up liking football. As a teen, the sport took a large part of him to the extent that his family had to resign to fate and only hoped he would at least graduate from school.

While in school, Abiola was already searching for chances that could grow his passion for football. When the opportunity presented itself in 2021, the whole family knew it was time for him to leave.

“I was 19 years old when I left Nigeria in 2021. The reason for me leaving was because I wanted to pursue my football career. It was a tough choice but I knew I had to leave. My family knew too. I still miss home,” Abiola told our correspondent during a phone interview.

Culture Shock

Abiola’s feeling of longing is a common symptom of culture shock, a condition that comes with the transition into a new culture.

An international association that promotes and steers employee benefits of companies’ internationally mobile personnel, Previnter, in one of its articles, said moving abroad changed every part of a person while substantial psychological resources were needed to successfully adapt.

The international health advisory firm described culture shock stage as the most delicate stage psychologically.

“It begins around three months after settling in a new country. When expatriates first arrive, they are in the ‘honeymoon’ period, actively settling in and euphoric about their discoveries.

“Once this stage is over, they may feel exhausted, lose confidence in themselves, and start having doubts about the project. Symptoms of anxiety (like sleeping problems, concentration problems, irritability) can appear. These psychological effects can be mild and subside as the person adapts or much more severe, putting the whole project in question.

“Being far away from people you care about, being isolated in a new country, and having difficulty finding appropriate help in your native language can keep people from getting the kind of psychological support they would have access to at home.

“There is also the question of mental representations. Expatriations based on professional grounds are seen as performance-based and highly demanding.”

A Standford University Psychologist, Ian Gotlib, during an interview in 2018, said children needed their parents for their emotional well-being.

“While we do not explicitly study the effects of separating children from their parents in our laboratory, we nevertheless know from decades of research that children, and younger children in particular, depend on and need their parents for their emotional well-being.

“In providing a supportive and nurturing relationship, parents play a critical role in promoting their children’s healthy development. They also protect their children from the psychological consequences of significant stress by buffering them from the effects of traumas and helping them to regulate their emotions,” the professor noted.

Worry about leaving everyone behind

Due to his work schedules and different time zones, Abiola talks to his mother three times a week and the whole family only on weekends.

“The last time I saw everyone was at the airport in 2021 before I left. I hope to go back soon to see them. I miss them a lot,” he added.

A medical radiographer in the United Kingdom, Gholahan Rad, told Sunday According during a phone interview that he would have stayed in Nigeria if the country had a good economy and an enabling environment for his career growth.

Rad said it was not easy settling down in the new country and managing the emotional weight of leaving home and his family. However, the 31-year-old doctor was convinced his relocation to the UK was due to the lack of opportunities for his career in Nigeria.

After hustling for years on the streets of Lagos to make ends meet, Rad finally had enough and decided to put everything behind him even if it meant abandoning his family and friends for a long time.

“I was 29 years old then,” he disclosed.

“I left because I needed to progress in my career and to have a better future for myself and my family. I also left due to the bad economy.

“The government does not value our knowledge and I need to go to a place where they value what I know. I am practicing as a medical radiographer.

“My reaction when I was going to leave the country was kind of normal but just that I knew I was going to miss everyone at home, friends and family.  I miss home but it is what it is.

“I just have to focus on my ambition for a brighter future. Life was not easy when I first came here (to the UK) because it was a new environment with cold weather and no family.

“I only talk to my family three times a week. I really miss them,” he added.

The longing continues

When our correspondent contacted Sanyaolu’s son, he said he found it difficult to connect to people in Nigeria due to his work schedule, an office rule not to pick up or make personal phone calls during work hours, and connectivity issues.

“He (my father) called me (on Tuesday) but I could not pick up because I was working. I do 8-to-8 shifts so I cannot use my phone.

“I am sorry I have not been active here (on WhatsApp). This place is like a bush. I don’t know when this voice note will drop” Bunmi finally told our correspondent in a voice note after three days of trying to contact him.

Back in Ibadan, his 77-year-old father has yet to come to terms with the absence of his son since he left the country about a year ago.

For 23-year-old Kayode Abayomi, his parents initially feared he would not adapt to the climate as he packed his bags to leave Nigeria in April 2023. Behind their peace that everything was well with their son in the United States, the incessant longing for his embrace is an everyday worry.

Most of the parents who spoke to Sunday According admitted that their children migrated to other countries, particularly Europe, due to the poor state of affairs in Nigeria.

They said the idea of sending their children outside the country either for work or to further their passion arose from the harsh reality that the country did not provide the best opportunities.

“My child would have stayed in Nigeria if the country was developed and there was no corruption in the system,” Oluwadamilare told our correspondent.

In a research article published by the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organisation in 2021 and updated in 2023, a senior lecturer in the Department of Sociology and Anthropology, Obafemi Awolowo University, Lanre Ikuteyijo, said Nigeria’s economy and the high level of youth unemployment pushed people to seek better opportunities, jobs, and security.

In the paper titled, “Nigerian migrants: Pursuing the dream at any cost,” Ikuteyijo noted that, in 2020, 53.4 per cent of young Nigerians were unemployed.

“These economic realities, coupled with other variables such as political instability, rising waves of conflict – and now, the effects of the COVID-19 pandemic – have led to an increasing number of youth in certain categories leaving Nigeria for other countries perceived to hold greater promise.

“Respondents generally believed that those who had successfully migrated enjoyed a better quality of life,” the lecturer added.

However, checks by Sunday According  that many Nigerians abroad are finding solace in the company of their compatriots work in the area.

Rad told our correspondent that this has helped hima great deal in the United Kingdom.

“I was able to adapt to the whole system and my work environment is full of my medical colleagues from Nigeria which always makes me feel like I am still at home working with my colleagues. I was able to unlearn and relearn much about my profession here,” he said.

While many medical professionals were lucky enough to settle down in the good hands of their Nigerian counterparts overseas, it also shows the level of brain drain Nigeria is experiencing due to the ailing health sector.

The President of the Nigerian Association of Resident Doctors, Dr Dele Abdullahi, during an exclusive interview with According Healthwise in December 2023, revealed that no fewer than 1,417 of its members were planning to leave for the United Kingdom and the United States before the end of 2023.

Attributing the mass exodus to poor working conditions in Nigeria’s health sector, Abdullahi said 900 members of NARD left for Europe between January and September 2023.

Statistics from the World Health Organisation also show that Nigeria currently has a shortage of medical doctors with a physician-to-patient ratio of four doctors to 10,000 patients.

Meanwhile, in the US, the ratio is 26 doctors per 10,000 people, and 28 in the UK.

Troubles in paradise

Despite the joy that comes with having children abroad enjoying better academic or economic lives, experts say aged parents left behind often face the dire aftermaths of their children’s long absence.

A public health expert from the College of Medicine and Allied Health Sciences, Bingham University, Prof Haroun Isa, during an interview with Sunday According, said, depression was a common mental health impact of children’s long absence on aged parents.

He said, “It is not surprising to see parents sending their children abroad to work or further their studies. What many of them fail to recognise is that beyond the euphoria of having children abroad, there is eventual loneliness the parents suffer as a result of it, especially if there are no other people to take the place of those who have travelled.

“There will be mental issues arising from this arrangement, like loneliness. The most common one among aged parents is depression. Depression in the sense that one, they are growing old, and secondly, because there is no companionship.

“When they relieve the experiences of when their children were with them and they look at it in the present context of having their children abroad, there will surface some level of depression.

“Apart from this, the care they ought to get from their children is no longer there, the issues of feeding, clothing, and importantly, companionship, arise.”

The professor further noted that aged parents cannot enjoy the company of others more than they enjoy the companionship of their children as growing old brings certain issues only their children can handle.

“They (parents) are always very happy about it (children living abroad) but as time goes on, they begin to long for the companionship of those children, most especially, when there is no one else at home. There is no way you can enjoy the company of people other than those you are related to.

“There is often no opportunity for aged parents left behind to talk to people around them and deeply relate with them, and share some of the challenges they are facing as they grow old. We should not forget that as one grows old, there are a lot of issues one faces even if the children are around; there are usually some other factors that surround aged parents.

“Even with children that are around, there is always a point of disconnect between the elderly and the children because of age. There are some challenges that age comes with in terms of the mental capacity of those parents.

“So it can be worse when the children are not with the parents to share discussions with them,” he added.

 The expert said one way of preventing old-age loneliness and depression among the elderly was to ensure a child stays at home with them regardless of where the other children live.

He explained, “We need to realise that aged parents need companionship. So whatever the children can do to sustain and bridge that gap, they should do it. It is essential to bring to light what used to succeed in those days. One way to do this is to ensure that the children at home do not leave home at once.

“There was another practice in some settings where the eldest did not leave home while the remaining children did but supported the eldest in taking care of his own family and their parents. In some other settings, it is the last child who is told to stay at home with the parents while the older ones live elsewhere.

“The essence is to sustain that relationship by ensuring everybody does not leave the parents at the same time. They (the children abroad) can also use technology to keep in touch with their aged parents for as much as they can.”

Coping strategies amidst obvious problems

Like Isah, the Executive Director of the Centre on Ageing, Development and Rights of Older Persons, Olayinka Ajomale, told Sunday According that the mental state of aged parents resulting from the absence of their children calls for a huge concern.

The geriatric social worker said while parents may have to send their kids out of the country for further education, the children ended up deserting their parents and country soon after they settled.

Ajomale said, “I have a few of my clients who have been experiencing it for years. It is a big problem. The World Health Organisation has classified it as a mental issue. A new commission has been set up called the WHO Commission on Social Connection.

“The main purpose is to address issues of loneliness and social isolation which have serious impacts on our physical and mental health.

“You cannot be an impediment to the progress of the children. If you think you can afford it, go ahead. For instance, some parents do not have confidence in the Nigerian educational system. But most times, when these children get there (abroad), they rarely come back home, and instead make that new place their home, forgetting their parents.”

Dr Tamuno-opubo Addah, of the Department of Psychology, Olabisi Onabanjo University, told Sunday According that the prolonged absence of children who relocated to another country could pose security concerns for their parents.

The fellow of the College of Academic Mentors, Council for the Development of Social Sciences Research in Africa, said, “Parents may endure persistent concern regarding the safety, well-being, and potential difficulties their children may encounter in a foreign country, particularly when communication is uncommon.

“The lack of physical presence of children can result in emotions of solitude and social seclusion, particularly in societies where the unity of the family holds significant importance in everyday existence.

“This can occur in elderly parents when they experience a long period of not having their children around, along with a lack of social support and engagement. Parents may undergo a deep sensation of loss or emptiness, similar to grief, even while their children are alive, as a result of the prolonged absence.

“Worries regarding the uncertainties that their children may encounter overseas, such as legal, financial, or social difficulties, can be an ongoing cause of stress.”

However, Addah noted that these problems could be managed by making consistent use of phone conversations, video chats, and social media platforms to bridge the emotional gap and reassure parents of their children’s welfare.

“When feasible, it is advisable to arrange visits by the parents to the children’s place of residency or vice versa. Although infrequent, anticipating such visits can offer substantial emotional solace.

“By using these strategies, the psychological welfare of elderly parents can be protected, even when they experience extended periods of separation from their children,” he added.