Nigerians find true love abroad amid cultural bias

In a world where stereotypes and societal pressures challenge interracial marriages, Nigerian individuals who love beyond borders often face scepticism and scrutiny. Accusations of ulterior motives question the authenticity of their unions, BABATUNDE TITILOLA writes

She is Swiss. He is Nigerian

It was one night during the summer of 2008, Janine Udogu was out with her friends in a popular club in her hometown in Zurich, Switzerland, to enjoy the night. She had no idea fate had a plan for her that night.

“While I often went there to dance and unwind with friends, I was not looking for a relationship at that time,” Udogu told our correspondent during an interview.

That night, she was having the fun of her life when a male figure approached her. She said she initially seemed uninterested but the calm demeanour of the gentleman soon weakened her defence.

Two days after their first encounter, the 38-year-old met with the mysterious man again, and the rest, as they say, became history.

This history, according to her, is a story she is always willing to share anytime and anywhere – the story of how she married a man from a different continent, culture, and who lived over 2,500 miles away.

Udogu said, “Ezenwa’s (my husband’s) sincerity and patience were what made me fall in love with him. He was direct and genuine from the start, never playing games, which built a strong foundation of trust. His clear intention and love for me convinced me that he was the one.

“He approached me respectfully, and a serendipitous encounter just two days later in a very unexpected place confirmed to me that he was truly special.”

Strangely, the book author said she was faced with pressures from her husband’s family who demanded reassurance that she was serious with their son. This demand came following their son’s previous experience with marrying a ‘white woman’ as the family wanted their son to marry within his culture in Anambra State.

She said, “Early in our marriage, the greatest challenge was reassuring my husband’s family of my suitability as his partner. Given his previous marriage to a white woman and his role as the eldest son, there was pressure for him to marry within his own culture and raise heirs in Nigeria.

“In Nigeria, interracial marriages still face significant prejudice, not just those between different races but also different tribes. People are always welcoming and supportive but deep inside them, I think they did not just believe it would be for the long run.

“We hardly ever got direct negative reactions but up to this day people are still surprised to see we are still together after 16 years, that we have four kids and that we bring them home to Nigeria regularly to learn the language and the culture. There are just not enough public role models of these kinds of relationships and the media is always quick to write about the failures rather than the success stories.”

Udogu and her husband married in a court in Switzerland on October 27, 2012, and on January 4, 2014, they travelled to Isuofia, Anambra State, to solidify their marriage with a church wedding.

According to Udogu, their story speaks of love’s power to transcend boundaries and defy expectations, resonating with the universal struggle for acceptance and understanding in an ever-diverse world.

Marrying for money, green card

In Nigeria, the announcement of any interracial marriage often triggers a continuous stream of negative reactions. Many comments suggest that the Nigerian partner is marrying the foreigner to obtain a Green Card or for the money.

This perception implies that the Nigerian is viewed as lazy and seeking a fast track to leave the country and benefit from the foreigner’s wealth.

A green card, also known as a Permanent Resident card, is issued by the United States government to foreign nationals who are granted permission to live and work in the country permanently.

In Nigeria, the term is also used to represent any document that Nigerian citizens obtain to secure permanent residency in another country (aside from the United States) through marriage.

Findings further showed that the severity of these criticisms intensifies when the public discovers that the foreign partner is older than the Nigerian.

For Udogu, she was well aware of the stereotypes but was willing to face them head-on.

She said, “I think the fact that my husband already had papers when we met helped us avoid many stereotypes. Some people think mixed marriages only happen for additional benefits (papers, money) and that they never last. But we are here to prove them wrong.

“Our love experience was enriched by our different cultural backgrounds. We approached our differences with curiosity and willingness to compromise, which is a significant advantage for intercultural couples. This made our dating period not just enjoyable but deeply enriching.”

Udogu’s diverse background further enabled her to tackle the challenges of intercultural marriage and raising children with blended traditions, all while staying connected to her roots. Technology also proved invaluable in bridging the distance when she couldn’t journey to Switzerland with her children.

She said, “Growing up with a Moroccan stepfather taught me the value of embracing different cultures, faiths, and backgrounds from an early age. I have learned that our similarities far outweigh our differences and that embracing diversity enriches our lives.

“Maintaining close relationships with both our families across continents has been facilitated by technology like WhatsApp, and by our commitment to regular visits. We make it a point to travel frequently, ensuring our children have strong bonds with all their relatives. This was also the main reason why we decided to relocate to Nigeria last year. Mixed kids need to be able to identify with the roots of both their parents.”

Udogu recently published a book titled ‘Ala Nnam: A Journey to Isuofia’, documenting her family’s experience in her husband’s village.

“I am known to be a cultural blogger some would call a social media influencer, and less known as a painter and photographer.

“However, I am convinced the attitudes of people against interracial marriages will evolve within the next generations as such unions become more normalised in a globalised world,” she added.

Nigerian celebrities’ flair for foreign spouses

Despite the backlashes that often come against interracial marriages, findings by Saturday According revealed that Nigerian celebrities have continuously feasted on the idea of marrying from outside the country.

From international dating to tying the knot, interracial unions are common in the celebrity circuit.

A Nollywood actress, Ufuoma Ejenobor, married her Irish husband, Steven McDermott, in 2015 with the couple having two children as of September 2022.

In 2015, former Nigerian footballer, Mikel Obi, married a Russian model, Olga Diyachenko. The couple gave birth to twin girls that same year.

Like Obi, Nigerian actor, Ikechukwu Ogbonna, married a Columbia model, Sonia Morales, in 2015. However, the couple divorced later in 2019.

A Nollywood actress, Susan Peters, was previously married to Dutch national, Koen Croon, in a marriage ceremony that took place at the Ikoyi Registry in Lagos State in 2015 before the couple went their separate ways a few years later.

The winner of 2011’s edition of the Big Brother Africa show, Karen Igho, married a Czech Republic citizen, Yaroslav Rakos, in 2014 at a private event in Jos, Plateau State.

Similarly, the runner-up of the 2019 Big Brother Naija show, Mike Edwards, married a British athlete, Perri Shakes-Drayton, in 2018 after dating for several months.

What data says

Research has shown that the reception of the idea of interracial marriages has continued to increase in recent years despite negative comments downplaying its uniqueness.

For instance, a 2017 report by the Pew Research Centre on trends and patterns in intermarriage stated that the number of intermarried couples has increased significantly between 1980 and 2015.

The report said, “More than 670,000 newlyweds in 2015 had recently entered into a marriage with someone of a different race or ethnicity. The long-term annual growth in newlyweds marrying someone of a different race or ethnicity has led to dramatic increases in the overall number of people who are presently intermarried – including both those who recently married and those who did so years, or even decades, earlier.

“In 2015, that number stood at 11 million – 10 per cent of all married people. The share has tripled since 1980, when 3 per cent of married people – about 3 million altogether – had a spouse of a different race or ethnicity.”

Several reports have also noted that marriage looks different today in many ways than in years past due to the communion of couples from diverse races and cultures.

According to the United States Census Bureau’s Current Population Survey, in 2020, approximately 19 per cent of all newlyweds in the United States were in interracial or interethnic marriages.

According to the survey, the percentage has been steadily increasing over the years, indicating a rise in marriages between individuals from diverse racial and cultural backgrounds. The Census Bureau’s data highlights the growing trend of couples transcending traditional boundaries and embracing diversity in their relationships.

Like Udogu, many other foreigners have found love in the hearts of Nigerian men. Findings showed that these couples not only love themselves but also practice deep admiration for foreign cultures and practices.

A man identified as Chris, through his social media handles @authentic_traveling, had continuously made public his road to marrying a Nigerian Yoruba bride, identified as Adenike Daramola from Ogun State.

The American travel content creator, in a series of posts on Facebook and Instagram, indicated his deep admiration for the Yoruba marriage culture as he detailed every outing he had made in preparation for the wedding.

One of his earlier posts read, “This is everything you need to marry a Yoruba girl. Her father gave me a list of 39 items I had to gather before the wedding. In Yoruba culture, the practice of a dowry is more symbolic with each item having a purpose like the honey to ensure our marriage is sweet. Payment of the dowry items is the way the man proves his worth to marry their daughter. The items are split by the family members at the end.

“You can hire someone to get the items for you, but it was way more interesting and meaningful to do it myself. I need to purchase yam, cola nuts, alligator pepper, palm oil and even a live goat! And not just one yam or pepper – large quantities. The list is 39 items in total.

“I will be visiting the bulk food markets to gather everything I need to complete this list before the marriage. These items are symbolic like the bottle of honey meaning our marriage will forever be sweet, yam as a symbol of fertility and prosperity, and an umbrella signifying my role as a protector for my wife. It is a lot of things, but it is worth it for Adenike. She is Yoruba but all the tribes practice dowries though with different items and traditions around it.”

In a later post on June 3, the day of the introduction ceremony, Chris said, “The first part of a Nigerian (specifically Yoruba) wedding is the introduction ceremony. It is an opportunity for the two families to meet, introduce each other, and discuss the proposed marriage. The families might have never met before so this is an important step in the marriage process.

“Typically, it will be held in the bride’s family living room, but some people turn it into a big event as well. You might have a small exchange of gifts, Bible reading, singing, prayer, traditional music, and food and drinks.

“The groom would be escorted to the bride’s family home by his father and uncles to propose his case to the family to marry their daughter. In some cases, he would come with a drum procession.”

“This is what it’s like to attend a Nigerian wedding but the twist is it’s my wedding! Blessed to be marrying my best friend @dara_for_enjoyment_only. The wedding was so amazing and credit goes to my wife for her excellent planning skills,” he said after the ceremony.

‘Our marriages beyond money, green card’

Nigerians who have had relationship experience with foreigners confirmed to our correspondent that they were aware of the perks that could come with legalising the union through marriage.

However, a number of them said it was not about the money or permanent residency.

Udogu’s husband, Ezeanyi Ezenwa, while speaking with our correspondent said he knew what he was getting into when he approached Udogu for a relationship. Despite the lessons from his previous interracial marriage, he was willing to take the chance again. But this time around, he was certain that Udogu would not disrupt his life.

The businessman said, “My current wife was not my first foreign wife so I had some experience with intercultural marriages. I knew what I was getting myself into but this time around I had found a woman that was willing to give me enough room to be myself and did not feel the pressure of having to adapt. I married her because I was convinced that she would always be by my side.”

On the comments that interracial marriages are for the money, Ezenwa said, “I can’t blame them. It is happening every day and it is all over the media. But that is not the full story. There are mixed couples that are happily married for decades, but people do not talk about it. I think that the success of a marriage has absolutely nothing to do with skin colour. It is about two people committing to each other for the right reasons.

He said experiencing mixed cultures in a marriage could be an adventure as there would always be exposure to new things.

“I have five children and it is an absolute blessing to see them grow up with two cultures. They have so many opportunities I never had and I am grateful to have a wife that understands that both cultures are mutually important in their upbringing. I believe with love and understanding any difference in cultures can be overcome,” he added.

Another Nigerian husband who is married to a UK-born woman told Saturday According that he never would have thought of marrying a non-Nigerian. The 34-year-old marketing executive who did not want his name mentioned said a friend introduced him to his wife when he attended a hang-out in the friend’s house in 2022.

He said, “That was where I first met her. I was planning on coming back to Nigeria after the holidays in January 2022 and thought I would settle down with a Yoruba girl. However, after the introduction, we spent most of the night together talking about our different backgrounds. She was a very impressive woman. We exchanged contacts and from there, we started speaking and one thing led to another, we started dating. Sometimes, she would travel to Nigeria to see me and sometimes I would travel there to see her until we married in November 2023.”

When asked if he considered that the marriage would produce a permanent residency for him, he smirked before saying, “I thought about it but it was not the reason for the marriage. We met in the UK and before then, there was no plan for me to relocate. I only went there to spend the holidays. It was during dating that we discussed whether one of us had to relocate. So, it was not for that (permanent residency).

Backlash against interracial  marriages unfair – Counsellors

A 65-year-old marriage educator, Modupe Ehirim, told Saturday According that the aversion against interracial marriages reflects their exposure, adding that “there are people who marry foreigners for money or accelerated path to citizenship of another country and there are others who go into such marriages solely because of genuine love and affection.”

She further explained, “Age is not just a number. On an individual level, you can marry whoever you want. However, you exist within a community. Like interracial marriage, marriage between a man who is much older than the woman he wants to marry and between a woman who is older than she wants to marry (particularly the latter) goes against commonly accepted expectations.

“When a person chooses to marry contrary to commonly accepted expectancy in the community they belong to and want to marry in, they should expect backlash from the members of the community. Their willingness to stand strong together, the acknowledgement that in marriage they are equal partners, and resilience in standing together in the face of the backlash is what will help them to succeed in their marriage. I have personal experience of being in an intertribal marriage for 38 years, with my husband being 12 years older than me.”

A marriage counsellor, Omowumi Ayeni-Oluwagbemiga, during an interview with our correspondent, said the age of an interracial spouse does not matter in the marriage, adding that interracial marriages can be a fulfilling experience contrary to the negative reactions from the public.

She said, “Age does not determine the success of a union. Instead of focusing on the age difference, prioritise building a connection based on shared values, open communication, mutual respect and love for God. Age can be a beautiful part of a relationship, offering diverse perspectives and experiences. By focusing on the things that truly matter, you can build a strong and lasting marriage, regardless of the age gap.

“Interracial relationships can be incredibly fulfilling, but it’s important to be aware of potential challenges, both during dating and in marriage. For instance, navigating different cultural expectations and traditions around holidays, celebrations, and family interactions can be tricky.

“Also, direct communication styles may differ from more indirect approaches. Openly discussing communication preferences can avoid misunderstandings. Religious differences can also be a source of tension. Discussing your beliefs and potential compromises regarding raising children is important. Partners grew up in different homes with different traditions, values etc. Open communication and support for each other is crucial to navigate this.”

The relationship coach explained that the negative comments on interracial marriages should not bother the couples. She however said they should be aware of Nigerian culture that supports parental blessings.

“Everyone has a right to find love even in unexpected places. Family holds a significant place in Nigerian culture. Respecting their values and traditions will go a long way. Parental blessing is important in Nigerian culture. Having your partner’s parents’ blessing can be very meaningful. Perhaps your partner can explain your good intentions and commitment to their happiness,” she added.

Another marriage expert, Funmi Ovie-Daniels, during an interview with our correspondent, said the major challenge with interracial relationships includes cultural differences, and family disapproval while adding that in some cases, racism can be a major challenge as there is still institutionalized racism in some countries today. She said,  in such a case, interracial couples can find themselves struggling with synergy and understanding.

On age, she said, “Age is not always just a number as context can be different. I have met men who have said they can never marry a lady who is older than them and at the same time I know men who married women much older than them and they are still happily married. So, it’s all about people’s personal beliefs and values. If you as a woman can be happy with a man younger than you and not have submission issues then it’s fine. What matters most is mutual love and respect.

“However, some have found themselves living peacefully and in harmony with a much older person e.g. Regina Daniels and her senator husband. As regards the green card issue, yes, some get married to older men or women from a different country to secure a future for themselves in that country. So far, the cases I have seen of men who got married to much older foreign women didn’t end well.

Ovie-Daniels added that despite the aversion, interracial marriages have helped cultures.

Registry reacts

The Federal Marriage Registry is the Registry under the Ministry of Interior that handles marriage registrations in Nigeria. According to the overview on the Ministry’s official website, the Marriage Act of 2004 empowers the Ministry to oversee statutory marriages in the country.

The overview read in part, “There are two types of marriages which are recognised under the Law. Ordinary Marriage which is a marriage between a Nigerian and a Nigerian, and Special Marriage which is a marriage between a Nigerian and Non-Nigerian or between a Non-Nigerian and a Non-Nigerian in Nigeria.”

Saturday According observed that this distinction reflects the cultural and legal complexities surrounding unions between individuals from different national and ethnic backgrounds. For many in Nigeria, such marriages offer opportunities for cross-cultural exchange and understanding, while also presenting unique challenges related to family dynamics, societal expectations, and legal considerations.

Findings showed there is a Federal Marriage Registry in each geo-political zone in Nigeria in addition to the Federal Capital Territory Division in Abuja, making a total of seven.

In an interview with our correspondent, the Registrar of the Marriage Registry in Kano State, Aminu Babangida, said Marriage Registries welcome all couples for registration regardless of their culture or race. He however noted that the only clause that may prevent registration is where the wife-to-be is below the age of 21.

He said, “We are usually concerned about the age of the bride. She should not be below 21 years old. If she’s below 21, then we will consider her as a minor. So, in that case, a letter of consent must be given to that bride either by her parents or her guidance stating that the bride is going into marriage and that they consent to the union. As for the man, he must be 18 years or above. It wouldn’t matter if they are from mixed cultures.”